My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (31)

 

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

I have a long story to share with you today but at the end you will be rewarded with a revelation, so stick with me.

I recently joined facebook and within a matter of days I became friends with a guy, let’s call him Peter, and in a strange way I was drawn to him, I couldn’t help but notice, there was something about him. I noticed that he was friends on facebook with my best friend as well and when I remarked that he seems like a nice guy it turned out that she actually knows him personally, actually most of her family knows him and she only had positive things to say about him. He sent me an e-mail and we started to communicate. (Now don’t get all excited, just for the record he is married and I have a no-married-men policy, remember.)

Now to understand the rest of this story I have to take a wide detour, so bare with me.

If I have to identify the worst of the worse during my marriages and I am forced to choose only one then:

  • In my first marriage it would be just after my daughter was born. She almost died and it was very traumatic for me. All the new father’s would arrive every visiting hour, sit down and talk softly and excitedly to their wives, bring them water and fluff there pillows, but my husband would appear infrequently and when I asked him about it he screamed at me in front of everyone that I just lie there, doing nothing except… (and I rather won’t repeat what), while he has to run around, work and even come to the hospital.
  • In my second marriage it would be when my husband ignored me – as he always did – and I tried more that once to get a reaction on my very simple sentence ‘Supper is ready.’ Normally I would just leave it but this time I said it for the third and the fourth time and every time I spoke louder. Then slowly he turned his face towards me, his eyes were filled with anger and he said slowly and deliberately ‘Bitch.’ I felt extremely helpless and as if there was no way to change the comprehensive ignoring.
  • In my third marriage it was when I applied for a loan to sponsor his dream of a health shop and it turned sour when he was angry and blamed me because it took so long and because I didn’t get as much as he wanted. (Still blows my mind how you can be angry if someone do you such a big favor. Still paying off that loan!) In his anger he was nicer to other women than to me and when I tried to explain that it is not okay, he accused me of being jealous and insecure.          

There are many things that were worse than these like the cheating, hitting, anger outbursts, throwing of things etc. etc. etc. but I think I choose the above mentioned because all of them represent a wake up call for me, a turning point and a step towards divorce.

Now back to my friend ‘Peter’ on facebook. Turn out we’ve known each other twenty seven years ago. That is even before I had my first serious boyfriend! To top it all we have a very interesting history. (It is quite complicated so try and keep up.)

He invited me to go with him to a function. Before the function he invited us (the group of young people from the church) over to his house, apparently that he and I could get to know each other better before the function. Turned out that his mother was very interested to get to know me as well and as fate had it I ended up in the kitchen with her (Believe me that’s very uncanny for me.) I remember the night vividly, I enjoyed her company, I really liked her, but I could hear one of the other girls from the group flirting with Peter. I wasn’t willing then and I still aren’t willing to put up a catfight and I decided to ignore it, thinking that we would have the ‘date’ to get to know each other, but while his mom and I was still in the kitchen the news reached us that he had asked this girl to accompany him to the function in my place. His mother was fiercely angry, she didn’t say anything, but imagine, here she was with the girl that’s just been dropped by her son without even a formal notice. A day or two later he contacted me and re-invited me, I was unfazed and decided to still go for it, I’ve seen it as another change to get to know each other. The evening came and he was very formal, very reserved, turned out his mother forced him to do the ‘right’ thing.

And now twenty seven years later I ‘re-met’ him, after all the broken relationships, after all the wrong choices I made and for a moment I couldn’t help but think about how different things could have been, (and I speculate here), maybe if we did get to know each other, maybe if he is as nice as my friend believe, my life could have been completely different, even beautiful.

But there is a little snag in this story, the day that I found out that he is (how shall I call him) ‘Peter-from-my-past’, I also found out that he had his share of hardships, for example he has no children (not by choice).

And that was the moment that I had a revelation; I realized that for the wonderful things in my life, like my children, the self-growth I experienced through and in hardship and my amazing relationship with God, I would go through everything I’ve gone through again, no goodness, that’s a gross understatement, I would open my door, invite it in and welcome it in my home.

You see in hardship there are always things to gain as well (and I can only hope that he feels the same), there can be no ifs; we can only focus on the beautiful there is.

6 Responses to “My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (31)”

  1. Tanya says:

    Amazing how our choices determine the rest of our life! I believe the choice you now have made to rather remain single will be most rewarding.

  2. Great Story, hey I came across this post while googling for new lyrics. Thanks for sharing I’ll email my friends about this too.

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