My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (58)



It is official, I’ve changed.

For one, I don’t know how to relate to men anymore, I am a bit lost in what the rules are. But I am sure I can catch up with that again.

Being alone force you to face yourself, some withdraws and feels sorry for themselves and never really looks at themselves, but if you truly want to grow you have to face you. You have to ask the question who am I if I am not with someone. Most of us define ourselves in terms of others, but if you are on your own there aren’t many options of people to use to measure and define yourself.

You also try and understand what you bring to the equation that might make you a difficult partner as well as trying to sort out all the possible emotional baggage you might have.

I read the other day that only 27% of people are married in South Africa, that make for a lot of potentially single people.

When I told my gym buddies that I am considering dating again, they declared that I should rather get a puppy, so I did and he is wonderful. He sits with me on the couch and tries really hard to communicate with me. He wants to please me, doesn’t talk back and doesn’t fight with me, and he would do anything and face the smallest gap just to find a way to be close to me. He sounds like the perfect male in my life, but even he frustrates me at times and then I can’t help but wonder, am I not getting so used to being alone that I won’t be able to be together again?

The little exposure I had to men over the last months has left me with the question, what do I really need and want, do I want someone that I see often or not. Can I deal with the feeling of being rejected, not being wanted, can I deal with being number what on somebody’s priority list. More importantly can I focus on the now and the good that is to be found in the now and not be sad about what I am not and can never be a part of. Of course that goes both ways, at this age we all have a history.

I sat in a coffee shop the other day opposite an older but loving couple. But then their daughters arrived and I could immediately sense the panic in the woman, she earnestly touched her husband, wanting him to look up and he did. It was as clear as daylight that the short blond girl was his daughter and the tall dark one was hers. Teenage blondy arrogantly ignored stepmom and for all practical purposes climbed on her fathers lap, he smiled at her, indulged her, laughed at her jokes as she hang on him, still ignoring mom. The other girl act much more naturally, but I could sense the frustration. Mom just kept to herself but I could feel the hurt that she must have felt. The problem is not the complexity of the situation and the challenges it brings, the problem is that the girl openly plays the situation, manipulate her father and gained all the power in the situation. I know how important my father was to me when I was a teenager and for that matter, through my whole life, dads should be there for their kids, but the question is if a group of people can integrate their lives in such a way that everyone has an equal right and standing. In other words is the little family so enmeshed that there is no space for other people to move in and find a rightful place. That question is also applicable to my little family of course. Can we open up the boundaries and make space for another person or family.

All this potential difficulties should scare anyone into silence but no I’ve made up my mind, I want to start dating again. I have a tough few months behind me and I think it is time to take action and change my life. You see I also realize that there is only so much growing you can do on your own, at the end of the day we learn more about ourselves and we are faced with ourselves in an unique way through other people.

Thus anyone that knows of anyone that would take me on a date?

One Response to “My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (58)”

  1. Gerrit van Heerden says:

    Very interesting reading…is it really a life story? I will certainly recommend myself taking you on a date!

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