My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (53)




Bullies in big, black panel van-like mercs make me angry.

Okay I understand that you feel sorry for your van and therefore you drive 20km/hour on the dirt road and that is the reason why I stayed behind you very patiently. But I don’t understand the reason why you stopped at the tar road and waited… and waited… and waited, what were you waiting for, there were no vehicles to the left or to the right, none, zilts, zero. So I overtook you, I mean, how dare I? Clearly to you that was more than an insult, you finally took off, caught up with me and drove on my hindy, I did the hundred percent normal thing and I used that sweet little thing called a break and used it right down to 20/km per hour while thinking, there you go, get some of your own. Of course you were extremely upset and waved and everything else you could think of, at me.

All jokes aside, my blood pressure went through the roof, I got so angry at this guy I could see myself getting out of the car and bump him around a bit, I actually wished he would stop and give me the change. But that was the moment I had to realize that I probably have some suppressed anger that I will have to address. Think about it, if I want to push around a big man with a big car and even a bigger temper, it is definitely time to stop and think.

I didn’t want to be honest, but then I gave in and went the honest route and acknowledged that I am angry because I can see certain things before me, but it feels as if it evades me, I just can’t reach it or touch it. Many things in my life are falling into place and are happening and it is wonderful and exciting but there are a few things that are hanging in the air like the proverbial carrot in front of the donkey’s nose and that is very frustrating.

It feels similar to my very first serious relationship. I became totally dependent on him, I enjoyed his company; he had a good sense of humor and a joy for life. On top of it all he was very attractive. In my mind he was everything I ever wanted. But then due to circumstances (by names our parents) we were forced to part. It was extremely hard as our last moment together was filled with him saying I love you and good buy all in one sentence. I wanted to convince him that we can make a plan to be together, we can find a way around this, but I knew, like he knew that there are certain things that you can’t control and there is no way around them. For months there after I wanted to lift up my hand, reach out and touch him but he was like a ghost, untouchable and unreachable.

Currently in my life there are things that make me feel the same way, they are there, I can see them and I can almost touch them, almost. They seem so real but at the same time they seem out of reach. I can’t help but wonder; when are things real, when you know they are going to happen or when they really happen? This in between hanging time feels too hard sometimes, this waiting, but I try to make time my friend and know that trying to force things and being impatient changes nothing.

So please, if you are the guy with the very beautiful black, incredibly big merc, forgive me for getting angry, (and forgive me for calling it a van) I am actually not frustrated with you, I have other things going on in my life and I will try not to project it on you again but please, please next time, try to do at least 40k’s.

7 Responses to “My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (53)”

  1. Erika Cronje says:

    I can understand exactly how you felt. I have a great anger towards traffic offenders, who mostly drive off into the sunset while other people pick up the pieces of their cars and lives . My daughter and me were waiting at a red light and she usually pulls away like Shumacher when the light turns green. This day I was telling her abouut an amazing series of videos weve been watching at our church, so she was a bit slower on the pull-away. I was looking towards the right and she towards the left when I saw this idiot skipping the red light coming straight for us! She reacted on my indrawn breath and stopped as he swerved to miss us by millimeters! She immediately pulled away and raced after him and when he was stopped by a traffic queue, she jumped out and went to shout at him through his window…what a hair-raiser as he could have pulled a knife or gun on her! But God was with us, from her listening to my church experience, to the near miss to the futile attempt to talk sense into the idiot’s head. He will probably just go ahead and ruin someone else’s life. So now she is a little more careful about pulling away at a traffic light and hopefully will think twice before challenging a dangerous driver again!

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