My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (50)




I want to invite you to join me. If you want to sign up for a year of celibacy and self growth (a celi-batical), let me know and as I share my experiences and learning curve I invite you to share yours as well.

To work in the wedding industry is to sell dreams.

I was with a couple that works in the wedding industry, they are involved in different aspects of the process from photography to music, they work the dream, they sell the dream but they don’t live the dream. I am not sure if I would have liked to be painfully reminded on a daily basis of how my dreams crumbled whilst smiling with and for others that still believe in theirs.

While I was there a wedding was performed; very informal, in the garden with only one group of parents as guests and witnesses. They even casually moved the time by an hour, not sure what could have held them up as it definitely wasn’t the hairdresser.

Neither of my weddings was the dream it was made out to be. With number one I was denied to have it my way, I wanted a reception in the garden but it was not to be. From the peaceful, relaxed and loving atmosphere one hope for right through to the confidence in your decision, I had none of that.

My second wedding was very low budget; my dress was made between my mother-in-law-to-be and myself for only R100, she was very kind, just for me to find out that she was actually vigorously against the wedding. (And no I don’t blame her but I didn’t feel comfortable with the double messages I got.)

My third wedding was also low budget, the only thing that was new was a blouse; it was very informal in a garden with the main feature that more children were in attendance than adults.

There weren’t with any of the weddings the expensive and elaborate things you normally associate with a wedding and none of the normal traditions were followed, as well as not a proper honeymoon. (Now I understand, maybe that is why the marriages didn’t last, what was I thinking, starting a marriage that way?)

My art therapy students have to make three masks, each of the masks represents their past, their present or their future and they have to be painted accordingly. I was looking at their work and I couldn’t help but notice that most of them had something in common. Most of the masks that represented the past were painted with symbols that represented hurt, darkness, confusion and lost. The ‘present’-masks weren’t as bad but still reflected feelings of being lost. The future masks were beautiful, it had music and flowers and symbols of love and peace. I couldn’t help but feel that we all start with so much hope and we keep on hoping but reality gives us a sucker.

When I left the wedding-people I was left with one overwhelming feeling, I didn’t think of the wedding, I didn’t feel excited for the new couple, I left carrying my wedding-friends pain and lost dreams with me.

We shouldn’t loose the hopes and the dreams, but sometimes the hurt of never finding those dreams can be overwhelming.

3 Responses to “My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (50)”

  1. tv guy says:

    Great site! much appreciated.

    Sent from my iPhone 4G

  2. Armelle de Rougemont says:

    I love reading your thoughts on this blog. I really feel like i understand it all. Your flow of thoughts, your logic and the emotional responses that are so honest! Great, I’m now hooked!

  3. love u cant count … is money and time

Leave a Reply