Archive for the ‘Being single’ Category

Dating again: starting afresh (60)

Friday, August 17th, 2012

Tunnelvision

Sometimes life sent thing your way that you never could envision.

It is as if I am walking down a tunnel and I find that people have been on a similar journey to mine but only in another tunnel parallel to mine. In all of these tunnels obstacles have been placed to test us and we must try to negotiate our way over and around it successfully. At some point the tunnels turn away and everyone go into a different direction, it all depends on how we negotiated those obstacles.

I find myself nowadays at a very good and wonderful place, full of peace and joy; a place of contentment. At the same time it feels as if I am on a stage from where I can see how the other people’s lives are who were once on a similar path than me; that had to negotiate similar obstacles and failed.

And I feel sad; life should be easy and life should be something we enjoy and be on top of; we should be conquerors but very few people are.

I’ve come to the conclusion that good choices when things are rough is just as important as making good choices when things are good, of course it is much harder to do the right thing when things are tough but getting there, getting it right is where the turning point lies.

Our darkest moments can become our most significant moments of victory!

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (58)

Saturday, April 23rd, 2011

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

It is official, I’ve changed.

For one, I don’t know how to relate to men anymore, I am a bit lost in what the rules are. But I am sure I can catch up with that again.

Being alone force you to face yourself, some withdraws and feels sorry for themselves and never really looks at themselves, but if you truly want to grow you have to face you. You have to ask the question who am I if I am not with someone. Most of us define ourselves in terms of others, but if you are on your own there aren’t many options of people to use to measure and define yourself.

You also try and understand what you bring to the equation that might make you a difficult partner as well as trying to sort out all the possible emotional baggage you might have.

I read the other day that only 27% of people are married in South Africa, that make for a lot of potentially single people.

When I told my gym buddies that I am considering dating again, they declared that I should rather get a puppy, so I did and he is wonderful. He sits with me on the couch and tries really hard to communicate with me. He wants to please me, doesn’t talk back and doesn’t fight with me, and he would do anything and face the smallest gap just to find a way to be close to me. He sounds like the perfect male in my life, but even he frustrates me at times and then I can’t help but wonder, am I not getting so used to being alone that I won’t be able to be together again?

The little exposure I had to men over the last months has left me with the question, what do I really need and want, do I want someone that I see often or not. Can I deal with the feeling of being rejected, not being wanted, can I deal with being number what on somebody’s priority list. More importantly can I focus on the now and the good that is to be found in the now and not be sad about what I am not and can never be a part of. Of course that goes both ways, at this age we all have a history.

I sat in a coffee shop the other day opposite an older but loving couple. But then their daughters arrived and I could immediately sense the panic in the woman, she earnestly touched her husband, wanting him to look up and he did. It was as clear as daylight that the short blond girl was his daughter and the tall dark one was hers. Teenage blondy arrogantly ignored stepmom and for all practical purposes climbed on her fathers lap, he smiled at her, indulged her, laughed at her jokes as she hang on him, still ignoring mom. The other girl act much more naturally, but I could sense the frustration. Mom just kept to herself but I could feel the hurt that she must have felt. The problem is not the complexity of the situation and the challenges it brings, the problem is that the girl openly plays the situation, manipulate her father and gained all the power in the situation. I know how important my father was to me when I was a teenager and for that matter, through my whole life, dads should be there for their kids, but the question is if a group of people can integrate their lives in such a way that everyone has an equal right and standing. In other words is the little family so enmeshed that there is no space for other people to move in and find a rightful place. That question is also applicable to my little family of course. Can we open up the boundaries and make space for another person or family.

All this potential difficulties should scare anyone into silence but no I’ve made up my mind, I want to start dating again. I have a tough few months behind me and I think it is time to take action and change my life. You see I also realize that there is only so much growing you can do on your own, at the end of the day we learn more about ourselves and we are faced with ourselves in an unique way through other people.

Thus anyone that knows of anyone that would take me on a date?

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (57)

Saturday, February 12th, 2011

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

Have I ever told you about the time that I was thrown out of a gym, and I mean literally!?

I was still living in Pretoria, and in case you don’t know it is suppose to be a hoity-toity place. I worked very hard and found it difficult to get to the gym and besides there were so many choices. But all three of the gyms close to me, had some disadvantages.

The one was very expensive and I felt as if every little bump on my body was inspected when and if I would walk in there, furthermore it felt like a cemetery with silent ghosts moving about just enough to look as if they were exercising but not enough to sweat, because what would that do to their image!? To top it all they had no spinning classes. My second choice was a cheap, not well equipped gym and the spinning cost extra. Now I am a spinning girl and what sense would it make to join a gym where you have to pay for the gym – you don’t use – just to be able to pay to spin?  My third choice was a small room in a house where they only had spinning classes and you could pay as you use. Sounded perfect and so I joined. However I am very sad to have to inform you that it only lasted one class.

I walked in, chose a bike, set it up and happily started spinning while I waited for the rest of the class. The (very big – meaning very fat) instructor arrived and started on her bike. A few others trickled in and as the one (and only) man in the group came in he made to my astonishment very explosive racial remarks. I couldn’t help myself – still being in shock – and told him that he is referring to my friends and asked him politely to stop. He didn’t even look up, smiled and repeated the same words, I called him a pig and that was the end of me. The (very big) instructor grabbed me and pushed me out of the gym in a very non-uptight manner.

Then, as you all know, I moved to Witbank and for those of you who don’t know, the Flooze is doing her part to make sure that everyone knows that Witbank has no class and the people are common. So when I joined the gym I was quick to inform them that I don’t care if they want to throw me out, I have been thrown out of better dumps than this one. But lucky me, I’ve been there for a year now and still not been thrown out. In actual fact, I’ve made some wonderful friends that are trying not to be negative towards other human beings. They actually sweat when they exercise and we even have a weekly coffee together and if someone say a subject is off-limits they respect it. But best of all they have the most wonderful sense of humor. This week alone the only man in the group asked us ladies to please be so kind and tell him if his pants has been washed too many times and is now see-through (I was sitting right behind him so I gladly checked for him) and our instructor tried to translate an Afrikaans sentence directly into English ending up with “pinch your bums stiff”. We are still teasing her at any possible opportunity about that.

So you see, if I have a choice, I would at any given day rather choose to have no style.

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (56)

Sunday, January 30th, 2011

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

And then the inevitable happens.

A single man becomes your neighbor, and he has no hang-ups. He opens the door for you without his shirt and based on the scuffle shortly before he opened the door you realize that you should count yourself very lucky that he has pants on at all, all this is confirmed by the fact that they are the wrong way around and clearly put on hurriedly.

And you can’t help but scan and evaluate, more importantly, you can’t help to think how long it’s been….

The emotional inner war that erupts even surprise you, but no, you are a woman with principles, that made a decision to make good decisions and you’ve passed the two-year mark of your ‘good decisions’ and proud of it.

He comes over for coffee (and no it is not a date, remember I don’t go on dates, not even on coffee-dates and suffer the teasing for it from all of my friends and family.) We have a difficult landlord in common and need coffee to discuss it.

He is reasonably handsome; tall, but with the same problems that most men of a similar age than mine has, namely a reclining hairline and an inclining tummy line. (And as I said not afraid to show it)

I know it is not a date and he knows it is not a date, but a man in my house! That in itself is….. scary, awesome, outlandish, wonderful…..?

After sharing notes about our landlord, our conversation turned to being single and you know, I once more realized, men experience it very similar than we as women do. They also want similar things to what we want. He chooses not to party every week, not to sleep around and approach things very carefully, not wanting to burn his fingers again. He also (would you believe this) went through a period of time when he decided not to go into any relationship but sort himself out, get to know himself better and figure out what is the hang-ups he brings to the equation. (Now that’s the kind of neighbor I can do with as most people start to look funny at me and ask the question when I am going to move forward and –yes you guessed it – date again.)

Maybe there are more people out there that want to make good calls, based on long term benefits and not short term satisfaction than I realized. If that is the case, all that I can say is: More power to you!

PS. About dating; I might just decide to start dating again this year, you never know, but watch this space!

About Wigs and Tits

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

My latest book “About Wigs and Tits” is now available.

Read the first part for free on Amazon.com

Available through your local bookstore’s order desk or at these online bookstores: Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com,or by phone at 0800-644-69

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (55)

Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

It is my third time back in the same town and when you return for the third time it starts to feel as if it is mend to be.

The first time was when I was four to eight years old. I don’t remember much of that time in my life, but I remember the house where we lived and I have some memory of the school I attended. I remember the bridge I had to cross to get to school and how afraid I was because of the gap between the different slabs of concrete.

This is also the time in my life when I was sexually molested and that makes being back especially difficult. There are some things in our lives that we would prefer to just leave behind and forget about. Unfortunately this isn’t one of the things which are possible to just forget and move on as if nothing has happened. Even if you believe that you have healed there will always be something to bring everything to the forefront again.

Still I choose knowing and understanding, for a big part of my life I couldn’t remember anything and as a result there were things in me and about myself that I couldn’t understand; I couldn’t connect the dots.

It is raining season and today it is raining almost non-stop, that grey overcast drenching kind of rain that everybody say they love. But I don’t, I fear and almost hate the rain. Worse even is an electric storm that is very common in this area. Before I remembered that I was molested I just understood the fear, I feared rain, it didn’t make sense; it just was. But then I came to understand that an electric storm and rain was a trigger for me, reminding me of the molestation and at least I could understand it and deal with it in that context as I could do with many other illogical things I felt.

Today I sit at the window and look at the rain and I try to love it, but I still find it difficult. I can’t help remembering the lost little girl that I was, how very lonely and very much on my own. You see my family don’t believe me if I say that I was sexually molested as a child and I can’t help but think; if they don’t believe me as an adult, why would they have believed me as a child.

But the rain also gives me hope because it has become a concrete measure of my healing. When trying to deal with more abstract things like the fear of not having control; finding it difficult to trust or thinking that you don’t have any choices in relationships and when it comes to sex; that you will only be acceptable if you keep quiet, don’t expect anything and just give whatever is expected, it is difficult to measure your healing.

Therefore bring on the rain, I will face it, and the day will come that I love it like most people do.

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (54)

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

The thing that I am the proudest of in my life is my divorces.

I know this goes against everything that most people believe but there are a few reasons for this.

Before I share this with you I want to talk to you about the movie Fireproof. This is the movie that were the talk of the town this last year but up to now I avoided watching this and of course for understandable reasons. As a three time divorcee and single I truly don’t feel like watching a movie of how you can save your marriage and how happy they are at the end and of course I avoid whatever would make me feel guilty x3. So after all the avoiding I finally took the big step yesterday and watched it and yes it was exactly what I expected; the couple has become each other’s enemies and decided to get a divorce, he then starts to do certain prescribed things and eventually they love each other again. It was, although a bit too predictable and soapy-ish for me, very beautiful and sweet. (My primary school daughter loved it!) The message that Christ loves us no matter what was beautifully integrated into the rest of the story and they even made me smile a few times.

There is one thing that bothered me however, and yes here comes the ‘it’s nice but’ part; it only shows one facet. I do understand that that is how movies work but I think in this case it serves to add to people’s struggle and feelings of guilt in stead of bringing the mercy and forgiveness that there is to be found in Jesus Christ our Savior.

You see I’ve come to understand that there are certain situations and people that can’t make a relationship work, it just isn’t possible. I don’t even need to make an elaborate argument; I can just give you three examples and I know that you will agree with me. If your partner is an alcoholic and is abusing you and your children, would flowers and candle light dinners change that? What if your partner has been engaged in extra-marital affairs for years, or even worse, for years with one person? Worse still, you find out your partner has sexually molested the children, can you risk your children’s life for the sake of saving the marriage? I think that would be irresponsible and cruel towards the children.

Then even more difficult, what if God tells you to get a divorce? Impossible? God would never do that? I tell you today that it is possible, because that happened to me and before you just send me to the trash bin, give me a moment to explain. It is clear in God’s word that divorce is in some circumstances acceptable, we just prefer to read over that and generalize what Jesus said about divorce. The church has made divorce the ultimate sin ignoring that there are exceptions to the rule and if God says there are exceptions then of course there could be times that God says divorce is the route he wants you to follow.

When God told me to get a divorce I didn’t know about the “acceptable” reasons there was, I only saw the reality of how difficult divorce is. I was faced with a choice; am I obedient to God and trust that he knows things that I don’t and knows the best or am I going to worry more about people and what people would say, not to mention the financial worries and problems that getting a divorce creats and the guilt feelings towards the other person, only to mention a few?

Today I stand in front of you and I can say without any reservations, I am proud of my divorces because I know that I was never out of the will of God and I know how much courage it took. I can also say that God never left me nor forsake me!

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (53)

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

 

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

Bullies in big, black panel van-like mercs make me angry.

Okay I understand that you feel sorry for your van and therefore you drive 20km/hour on the dirt road and that is the reason why I stayed behind you very patiently. But I don’t understand the reason why you stopped at the tar road and waited… and waited… and waited, what were you waiting for, there were no vehicles to the left or to the right, none, zilts, zero. So I overtook you, I mean, how dare I? Clearly to you that was more than an insult, you finally took off, caught up with me and drove on my hindy, I did the hundred percent normal thing and I used that sweet little thing called a break and used it right down to 20/km per hour while thinking, there you go, get some of your own. Of course you were extremely upset and waved and everything else you could think of, at me.

All jokes aside, my blood pressure went through the roof, I got so angry at this guy I could see myself getting out of the car and bump him around a bit, I actually wished he would stop and give me the change. But that was the moment I had to realize that I probably have some suppressed anger that I will have to address. Think about it, if I want to push around a big man with a big car and even a bigger temper, it is definitely time to stop and think.

I didn’t want to be honest, but then I gave in and went the honest route and acknowledged that I am angry because I can see certain things before me, but it feels as if it evades me, I just can’t reach it or touch it. Many things in my life are falling into place and are happening and it is wonderful and exciting but there are a few things that are hanging in the air like the proverbial carrot in front of the donkey’s nose and that is very frustrating.

It feels similar to my very first serious relationship. I became totally dependent on him, I enjoyed his company; he had a good sense of humor and a joy for life. On top of it all he was very attractive. In my mind he was everything I ever wanted. But then due to circumstances (by names our parents) we were forced to part. It was extremely hard as our last moment together was filled with him saying I love you and good buy all in one sentence. I wanted to convince him that we can make a plan to be together, we can find a way around this, but I knew, like he knew that there are certain things that you can’t control and there is no way around them. For months there after I wanted to lift up my hand, reach out and touch him but he was like a ghost, untouchable and unreachable.

Currently in my life there are things that make me feel the same way, they are there, I can see them and I can almost touch them, almost. They seem so real but at the same time they seem out of reach. I can’t help but wonder; when are things real, when you know they are going to happen or when they really happen? This in between hanging time feels too hard sometimes, this waiting, but I try to make time my friend and know that trying to force things and being impatient changes nothing.

So please, if you are the guy with the very beautiful black, incredibly big merc, forgive me for getting angry, (and forgive me for calling it a van) I am actually not frustrated with you, I have other things going on in my life and I will try not to project it on you again but please, please next time, try to do at least 40k’s.

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (52)

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

 

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

So here is the question: When to date again?

Of course it is wonderful to be in love. The feeling that you are floating, you actually can’t function properly, you’re head feels like cotton wool and all the parts of your body feels as if it is separated from each other. Not to talk about the pins and needles that you have to bare, the inability to sleep, that you can’t stop smiling and can’t think of anything else than him!

The mystery of it all is that it is unexplainable why some people have no effect on you while others can cause you to ‘loose it’, just because they exist. Even at a distance they can cause you to start shaking and loose all your brain cells in an instance. At close proximity they have the power to cause you to be lost to society for several days thereafter.

To summarize; some people can transform you into a blubbering blob.

That of course takes us to the next questions; are we suppose to find love or is love suppose to find us and is love a heart thing or a mind thing?

I heard the most beautiful love story (and I am a sucker for love stories). These two young people fell madly in love with each other but he didn’t live up to her parent’s expectations and was forbidden to see her. They felt they couldn’t live without each other and secretly continued to see one another. Fuelled by their long absents and their longing for each other their relationship eventually developed into a sexual relationship. Of course the inevitable happened and she fell pregnant. When her parents found out, they whisked her away, placed her in a home for unwed mothers-to-be, they packed up house and moved. He was heart broken but couldn’t find them and never knew what happened, he didn’t even know that she was pregnant and that he had a baby girl. Two difficult and broken marriages later and in his fifties, he received a call, on the other end of the line someone enquired if he would be willing to meet his daughter. That was how he found out about her existence. That is also how he came in contact with the love of his youth again. When he met her again he immediately felt all the emotions he felt so long ago. (I also love beautiful endings.) They got married and today they are the two happiest people I know and they’ve already been married for almost twenty years.

So yes, I don’t fully understand love and I (unfortunately) don’t have all the answers but I still believe in love and I will date again but for now I know that everything is exactly the way it should be!

My year of celibacy: A love affair with myself (51)

Sunday, August 22nd, 2010

 

MY YEAR OF CELIBACY:

A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF

Have I ever told you about my flasher?

Everyone reacts different to trauma. I experienced this once more this week. As the teachers striked and became a bit aggressive, my kids got in the way of their goal. Thursday while I was doing training, my kid’s schools were invaded by masses of teachers, wanting to force everyone to do the same.

When I picked them up that evening a few interesting stories unfolded. My son – to my surprise – seems to approach life like me. His reaction was: ‘Isn’t it wonderful, I experienced my first strike!’ After ten minutes he was bored with the subject and moved on to the road he thinks the municipality should widen.

My daughter on the other hand was traumatized to some extent and was like a rag doll in my arms that evening. She had some interesting stories to share; one boy left the class breaking all the rules to check on his younger sibling. Another girl got under the table even before the strikers arrived, called her mother and was swept away instantly. The most surprising thing to my daughter was that the boys didn’t care to be called sissies for once and comforted all the crying girls as the masses of adults passed their classroom door and banged on the doors and windows, screaming and tipping dustbins over.

One of my most surprising reactions to trauma was when I had this one boyfriend, let’s call him Ronnie, when I was very young. Please take note, I was very young! So it happened that on one beautiful day many police cars came with their sirens on, turned into our driveway and …… took my brother into custody. My poor brother, incorrectly mistaken based on the description they received; yes you guessed it, for Ronnie. Then the story came out. Ronnie would lock himself in my sister’s room (I would knock on the door, get no answer and very naively choose to believe something like he must be praying, don’t want to be disturbed.) But no, dear Ronnie made sure he was in time to catch all the primary school children passing our house; he would lift up the curtains and masturbate. (Yes I know, bad choice of men from the very beginning, should have seen the danger signs then and locked myself in a cupboard until I turned forty.) And yes even I could see the low intelligence that had to play a role in that act, I mean, don’t do it at a place where it is easy for them to find you, if you really can’t help yourself do it at a place where you don’t need to go back to, talk about a sitting duck… or would that be a standing crane?

My reaction to the shock was that I totally forgot him, I remember sitting in our kitchen months after the incident and I couldn’t for the love of me even remember his name.

Today I can laugh about it and when my kids go through trauma, as bad as it may be, I know no-one is safeguard from it, so rather here and now where I can have an input and help them to learn to deal with it. 

Viva to survival and bums up old chap!